so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
