I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Damn victory sex feels great
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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