i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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