Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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