i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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