We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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