Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
