My cat gives me a boner
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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