even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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