no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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