i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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