he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
