Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
