Christians are straight up FREAKS
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
