If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
