Jerry, you need to find god
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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