i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
