If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
is that a dick in a sweater?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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