he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
