please come you make the beer taste better
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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