i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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