we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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