So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
