kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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