i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i used baking grease as lip gloss
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
