and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
