is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
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