Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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