I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
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