I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I cut my penus on the lid.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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