After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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