Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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