There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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