he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
