I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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