when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
