didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
