I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
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Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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