I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
