No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
