im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
