i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
