I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
