Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
