I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
