She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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