Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
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