You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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