Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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