just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
