I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
