Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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