apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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