My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
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I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
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You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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