Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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