Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
