I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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